What We Miss Most…Napkins!

We threw our bags into the room and headed out to find a bite to eat.  We had just crossed the border from Bolivia to Argentina after standing in line for 2 hours and before that a 10 hour train ride.  We were all hungry!

We found a small place around the corner from the hostel, it was empty because it was Siesta in Argentina, but they said they were still open and would feed us.  The tables from the lunch crowd had not been cleared but we found a small table near the front of the restaurant, we sat down, ordered, and waited for our meal to arrive.

As we sat waiting for the food to arrive, the waitress brought out place settings for each of us, a knife, fork, spoon, napkin…NAPKIN! We all stared at each other in disbelief.  A grin was beginning to form on Grant’s face but he did not want to commit to complete elation in case this was all some well designed hoax.

We looked at one another, each searching for that sign of commitment from the next person, that indication that it was alright to revel in the luxuriousness of the Napkin.  I broke first!  An elaborate hoax or not I was going to experience all that this Napkin had to offer, for it had been too long and the separation of time and distance had only created a deeper longing than even I could have imagined.

Reading this you may think that I am exaggerating, that I am creating a silly story about napkins simply to entertain the Portable Parents audience…well let me assure you that I am not making this stuff up!

After 9 months traveling in Latin America from the beaches and jungles of Costa Rica all the way to this border town in Argentina we have not see anything that we would consider a napkin at any of the hundreds of restaurants we have eaten in along the way.

It was quaint in Costa Rica when you took a bite of a big, greasy slice of pizza, realized there were not any napkins on the table and when you ask for some they bring this thing that had no apparent use.  You could not have cleaned up a mess with it, you certainly could not wipe your hands with it, and I did not try but would guess that you would not even be able to wipe the condensation from the bottom of a glass with it.  But it was all new and exciting.  We would all stare at each other and laugh, the grease from the pizza now running down our chins, what a charming little country that offered such “cute” napkins.

The more months we were on the road and further south we traveled the less humor we saw in these situations, and the greasier our clothes became.   The napkin as we know it is non-existent in most of South America.

In Ecuador each table would have a napkin holder, and each napkin holder would have exactly the number of napkins as seats at the table.  So, our family normally sat at tables made for 4 people and therefore the napkin holder would have exactly 4 napkins.  We witnessed the “filling of the napkin holder” on many occasions and can testify as to the exact process.  First, count the number of chairs around the table, second, count out exactly the same number of napkins from the “big bag of napkins”, third, insert the correct number of napkins into the holder, fourth, and repeat.
Not only was there a strict quota on the number of napkins allotted per table, but just try and ask for more (which we ALWAYS did) and be prepared for the look.  Think of anytime in your life that you were given a look by a parent or grandparent or perhaps a teacher when you asked a question and they gave you a look (that you still remember today) like you have GOT TO BE KIDDING.  Ok, do you have that image in your head?  Now contort it in such a way as to magnify it to cartoon like proportions.  That is the look that you receive if you ask for another napkin in Ecuador.
So there you are in a little hole in the wall “restaurant” in the middle of the Andes in Ecuador.  You are eating Chicken and Rice (of course) and just happened to get a little grease from the chicken on your hands…an unusual situation I know but stay with me on this one.  You reach to the center of the table to grab a napkin and realize that there are only 4 napkins - the exact number as you have in your family.  Taking a leap and assuming that your daughter, son, and wife (who are also eating chicken and rice (of course)) will also need a napkin you only take one from the holder.  The small double-ply napkin barely makes a dent in the chicken grease on your hands.

Cotacachi Ecuador Chicken and Rice

At this point you have a decision to make and a number of choices.  1) Ignore the grease running down your arms and finish your meal, 2) Wipe your hands on your clothes, 3) Pull the ole’ “look over there” trick with your 7 year old daughter and take her allotted napkin, 4) ASK FOR ANOTHER NAPKIN!

Well, you better be prepared for the look!  But that is not the funny part.  Guess what, they will only bring you 1 napkin from the “big bag of napkins” so you had better figure out a way to make that one work.  They will NOT anticipate that anyone else at the table will have a similar experience, and will only bring the 1 napkin you asked for.  Want to have some fun, ask for “a bunch” of napkins and see what happens…the look of confusion is priceless.

I am probably being a little too hard on Costa Rica and Ecuador, let’s move a little further south to Peru.  Before I get into specifics, here is what I think happened.  Peruvians by nature are a hard working, industrious people and somewhere along the line a young Peruvian studied what was happening in Costa Rica, Ecuador, and other Latin America countries and applied this Napkin Science to the napkin industry back home in Peru…for they have taken this thing to a whole new level.

You will not find a double-ply napkin in Peru!  Don’t get me wrong, they do exist but someone is paid to pull apart these 2-ply napkins and turn them into single ply.  Again, you probably think I am making this entire story up but I sat in a restaurant in Trujillo Peru and watched a young girl pull apart napkins for an hour.  I won’t even get into the whole single ply napkin thing, I mean really.

Here, try this…

Yummy...where are the napkins?

Roast yourself a whole chicken tonight, or for you U.S. readers go to Costco and buy one.  While you are out purchase a bag of single ply napkins.  My guess is that they do not exist and if this is the case buy a bag of 2-ply napkins take them home and pull them apart to make a single ply.

Now no cheating!

Do not get some “fancy” 2-ply that have reinforced cloth or those pillows of cushion, no, get the cheapest, ugliest bag of 2-ply you can find.  The family is eating with their hands tonight, set out a single ply napkin for each member of the family and go to town.  Heck you might want to videotape it for fun.

But if this was not enough it actually got worse and by the end of our time in Peru we were getting ¼ napkins!  Even though it may seem like it, I am not a napkin expert.  I am guessing that a standard 2-ply napkin is about 4 inches by 4 inches, if the math is different make the appropriate adjustments.  So, we were getting 1 napkin per person that measured 1 inch by 1 inch…I am NOT kidding!

As we sat in the small restaurant in Argentina exhausted from a long day of travel and a long week crossing Bolivia, we celebrated the invention of the paper napkin.  We were not sure at the time who invented this remarkable product, we surmised that it was little Willy Mantagu trying to keep up with his famous brother.  Regardless, we will never take the napkin for granted again in our home and when anyone asks us what do you miss the most from home…our answer will easily roll from our lips – NAPKINS!

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